you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
