Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
