using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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