i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
