um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
