Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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