A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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