My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
