There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
