Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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