I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize