LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
