dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
