I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
