i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm at about main and main street
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
