I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
