I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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