guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
