Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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