I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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