Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I die, sorry about rent.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
