I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
