Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize