She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
