i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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