did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
