I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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