So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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