someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize