Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
