i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
