Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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