I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
