Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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