This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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