Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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