Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
two words: eviction party
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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