If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
