Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
