Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
