Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
