saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i drank out of a bidet.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
