i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
