Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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