Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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