ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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