just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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