I wish I could punch you in the face.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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