I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
