Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
