I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize