You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
