Michael Bay diarrhea
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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