after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
