Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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