I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
