When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
