oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
