the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
